Write What You Know: Finding Inspiration In Pain

 

Since I was a young child, I loved to write. I can still remember the poems that I wrote in the first and second grade. For years I gave up on writing. I entered into a state of severe depression and abandoned everything that I loved doing. Now that I’ve started writing again I am having trouble getting back into it. I have periods where I’m flooded with ideas and inspiration is coming from every side but when I sit down to write I can’t focus on just  one thought.

Very recently I started going to therapy (don’t judge). I’ve only been going for a couple of weeks but my last session was very eye-opening. I was confronted about how I deal with situations in my present and how it’s tied to some things that happened in my past (ok, it may not sound real deep but it was – don’t judge).

Since then I’ve been doing some self-examination and became really inspired and focused on this particular idea. So, I took an experience from my past and is using it as the basis for this story that I’m working on. I know, you may say that “Writers take experiences from their life and use them to create all the time.” And you’re right. But for someone like me who finds it difficult to open up, it’s a big deal.

They always say “write what you know” and who knows me like I do (other than God, who knows me better). So that’s what I’m doing. Maybe when I’m done I’ll post an excerpt. Hopefully I’ll be past the fear of other people reading my writings.

I’m super excited about this story and I can’t wait to see the finished product.

 

What’s The Opposite Of Writers Block?

I’ve made several attempts to sit down and seriously write about all the things that I’m experiencing as a woman, a follower of Christ, as a single mother, and just as a person. I know that what I’m going through there are others that are going through the exact same thing. Each time that I place myself at my old, but sturdy, kitchen table, or prop myself up against my equally aged headboard to convey my thoughts, I find myself to be flooded with a sea of topics and issues that I want to discuss – that I need to discuss. So, instead of trying to write on every idea that downloads into my brain, I decided to just keep a separate journal of ideas to write about. Let me tell you, the things that has flowed through my head ranged from the necessity of forgiving to sexual addiction to finding your joy as a mother. Where do I begin? So, these are just a few of the things that I want to discuss on MySoulJoy. I will continue to seek God and pray about what’s going to come next. After all, I can’t do nothing without him, right?

Hello, Everyone!!!! Welcome to MySoulJoy!

 

I am so happy to start my blogging journey. After much prayer (and previous attempts at starting a blog) I am ready to share with you my journeys. I want MySoulJoy to be place of encouragement, joy, strength, and fun. Feel free to share your comments, stories, and suggestions. I will be as open and transparent as I can. I wan to share with you not only my life experiences but my interest as well. I hope to get to know you as you get to know me.

I want to know, what brings you joy? Leave a comment.

Help For A Frustrated Mom: My Child’s Difficult Time in Kindergarten

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On this wonderfully frustrating blessed journey as parents we too reach milestones. This past August, I celebrated one that I’ve been joyfully anticipating since my son was barely one years old: Kindergarten. I think I was more excited than he was and I did my best to prepare him. Though he was in daycare and attended preschool I knew that this was a whole new ball game.

I decided long ago that I would not send him to our school district but he would attend a charter school or a Township school if we moved.

He started school the second week in August. By the end of the week he would receive in-school suspension. Yes! Suspension for a Kindergartener! He received in-school suspension for hitting a boy on his back while coming from the restroom. Prior to that I had a talk with the Assistant Principal and the Dean of Discipline to discuss their disciplinary policy. Everyday I received a phone call or an email from the teacher because my son was talking out of turn; not working well in groups; and for horseplaying. I was told by the Assistant Principal during our meeting that “these are the rules and if he’s having trouble following the rules then we need to get a special education counselor in here because he has special needs.” So I transferred him out and placed him in another charter school that I had my eye on.

The school that he is in now is also strict. I knew this about them going in from what I’ve heard about their middle and high schools. This is their first year for elementary and sadly the same rules for the middle and high schools apply to elementary. Since transferring to this school, my son has been suspended twice and is constantly in the Vice Principal’s office. I can’t remember what his offense was the first time. The second suspension was for a color violation. I’ll do my best to describe a color violation. The school has a behavioral color system to discipline the students: Blue is excellent, Green is average, Yellow is off track, and Red is alert. If the student is in the yellow that means that he/she is having a difficult time in class, like, talking out or not staying in their seat, something like that. At this point their name goes on the board. If they get six checks by their name for continuing the behaviors then they get a referral to office. If they get a referral to office they get suspended. And that is a color violation. That was a few weeks ago. He hasn’t been suspended since but has made several trips to the Vice Principal’s office. And for reasons that I feel are completely asinine: he patted a girl on her back to get her attention when he was trying to talk to her; he slapped a hand of another student while they were playing because the student had his hands in my son’s face; he stepped on another students hand. And because they have my child flagged in their behavior profiles that they keep on the students as someone who cannot keep his hands to himself kids can say that my child hit them or touched them and he’ll get in trouble. Sadly I’ve witnessed these malicious manipulators put into action their wicked plot against my child. Though I brought it to the attention of the teacher and administrators, nothing is being done.

I want to transfer him to another school, but where would he go? I know my child isn’t a little angel and that there are behaviors that need to be corrected but what do I do? Everyday my child comes home saying “I’m a bad kid. I just can’t do anything right.” “Nobody likes me. They hate me. The kids and the teachers.”

I feel weak and powerless against a system that is bigger than me. My complaints and concerns go unanswered. My son is miserable. I’m miserable. I want him to finish the school year, at least.

I’m so incredibly frustrated.

Afraid of Flying: A Response to Sarah Jakes’ Article

One of the bloggers I follow is Sarah Jakes, daughter of Bishop T.D. Jakes, who post very encouraging and insightful articles. Today she posted an article entitled “The Eagle In Me.” She gave a comparison of birds: birds that fly in flocks which makes flying easier and requires less effort and birds that fly high and against the wind.

As I read the article I saw myself; not as being any of the example of birds given but being one that was too afraid to fly.

I have been beat down, shut up, and abused throughout my life; by family, teachers, neighbors, and so-called friends. Although, I am not experiencing any abuse in my life now, I continue to live as though I am.

When I was a teenager my mother married a man who was abusive to me until I went off to college. I was locked up in my room my entire high school career. I was not allowed to eat so he would lock the food up. When I did eat I would wait until everyone was asleep and sneak food in my room. I was isolated from everyone. I had no friends. Now that I’m older, much older, I find myself feeling much like that little girl in the room; unloved, abandoned, and unwanted. Even as a Christian I struggle with these issues and the pain from my experiences keeps me from serving Christ the way I desire to. It prevents me from having the kind of relationship that I desire to have with Him and anyone else.

I wonder, will I ever be a Sarah Jakes: full of faith and courage and strength? Will ever be able to love God and others; love myself? Yes! I believe that I will but it will take going through this process of transformation; learning to open my heart to God and trust Him with my issues and my pain; learning to forgive and love others; learning to love and accept myself. No, I will never be a Sarah Jakes because there is only one and no one can be her better than her. I will, in time, be the me I am destined to be.

-MySoulJoy

A Year of Transformation

I started off this new year with such hope and determination to change my life. Things started off great but by the fifth day in I was filled with such disappointment and faced great devastation. My financial situation changed drastically at the beginning of the year and I lost all hope of moving my family into a permanent place. When I reached out to family for help I was told that they would be able to help but I heard from a third-party that they had no intention on helping me. With me not wanting to fight and argue I haven’t spoken with this family member about it, I just let it go.

So, for this year my pastor confirmed something that I felt God was speaking to me about, which was that this year will bring a great transformation in my life. When he shared his vision for our ministry for  2013 “A Year of Transformation” I new that it came from God. We will be starting our 40 day corporate fast on Wednesday and I’m so excited about it. I know that the transformation will come, will begin with this fast.

I will try to be more active on this blog and be more open. That’s something that I want to change in me – be more open.

God Bless and I will talk to you soon.

The Girl In Me

Something happened upon turning thirty. I’ve heard stories of how you have the light bulb moment and you become this no-nonsense person, speaking your mind; you become more secure and there are all these – ahem – physical changes that you experience but I’m not talking about that. Something else happened; something so unexpected. I became a – dun, dun, dun – A GIRL! Yes I am female – born a female, however, I was never a GIRL. I could care less about hair and make up and even less about fashion. You couldn’t pay me to where a skirt or a dress – well you could but I never had any offers. So imagine my surprise, at thirty, when I became super excited over makeup and my hair, OMG. and heels. Not having anyone to talk to about this, I turned to my new favorite place for support – YouTube. I have established a great support team of vloggers, bloggers, and virtual gurus of beauty and fashion to aid me in this sensitive time. Maybe in the near future I will post pics and/or videos of my transformation. Until then, have a great day.

Single Christians – Get Real

As Christmas day approaches, I find myself even more frustrated with “Church” and how the “Church” view single Christians. There are a lot of worship ministries or “churches” that does not cater to single Christians. I was even told once that the reason why this particular ministry did not have a ministry for singles was because married couples are under a greater attack from the enemy than singles because all we have to do is focus on God. My mouth still drops when I think about that comment. When I asked why couples were such a greater target they said because the devil is mad that two believers have come together as one. If you agree with this, then you’re just as big an idiot as this person. The devil could care less if you’re single or married. When you’ve made the decision to give your heart, mind, body, and soul to Christ that’s what gets the enemy’s attention. If they were honest, not all married couples or singles are truly living for Christ. I know married Christians who are sleeping around, on drugs, abusive, and so on. As well as single Christians sleeping around, on drugs, addicted to porn, and so forth. But my frustration comes because ministries are not talking about this. And if they are, they’re watering down the Word or making light of the issues that we face, single or not. But I’m focusing on singles because I am a single Christian and I’m not getting the real talk from ministries (or Churches). Now I’m not saying that all singles ministries aren’t discussing real issues, however, there are ministries whose focus seem to be about getting a wife or a husband. To say that I don’t want a husband would be a lie but it’s not my focus. What I expect when I attend a singles meeting is the TRUTH – the WORD. I don’t want to hear what sounds good. I don’t need to be entertained by witty illustrations or jokes. Give me the Word. Don’t add nothing to it and don’t take nothing away. I expect real issues to be addressed. I expect a safe and open environment where attendees will feel comfortable to talk about what they’re dealing with and not be judged or condemned or gossiped about the next day. Let’s talk about how you’re addicted to sex and porn. Let’s talk about how you’re in an ungodly relationship that you can’t break free from. Let’s talk about how you are depressed and struggle just to get out of bed. Let’s talk about how you’re so emotionally damaged by the abuse you’ve suffered as a child and how it hinders you from having a functional relationship with anybody. Let’s talk about it. There are people suffering and single and aren’t getting what they really need. Single Ministries should really take a step back and re-prioritize. Is bowling and outings more important than ones relationship with God? Is finding a mate more important than ones relationship with God? The bible tells us in 1 Corinthians 7:34 that the unmarried should be concerned about the Lord’s affairs and be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. Why isn’t this the focus? Fellowship with other Christians is essential, don’t get me wrong. And as a single, it’s great to be able to hang out with other believers. But that can’t be it. And it can’t be just telling us to just pray or to just focus on God. Yes, pray! Yes, focus on God! But confess your sins one to another, too. Confess your sins one to another and pray that you may be healed. At least that’s what my bible tells me in James 5:16. Come on Christians, come on Singles, come on Church. Let’s get it together and get real. God’s house is a house of prayer. But we can’t even go in and freely confess to one another. Christ came to heal the sick. And the church is sick. We have single Christians who are sick. Let’s get real in 2013. Our soul, our spirit, our lives depend on it. I believing that we will trust God enough to confess.

Fed Up and No Where To Go

Like most who have settled for a job just for the paycheck, I am utterly fed up with my job. I would rather wake up and run through fire than spend another second sitting a desk doing the same boring – mind numbing boring. frustrating, thing that I do every day. I don’t enjoy what I do and it’s starting to reflect my performance. And you know what, at this point I don’t care anymore.  When I was told that they were going to be cutting department, this exhilarating lighting of excitement hit my body and I began to float on a cloud of peace into the land of freedom. But guess what, I was safe from elimination. Which leaves me to believe that there is a reason I still have my job other than bills. There has to be a smidge of purpose, I just don’t know what it is.

So what do you do? What do you when you’re unfulfilled in your job but can’t leave? I’ve applied for other jobs and have gone out on interviews only to be disappointed when the position or the company is not what I thought it was. I do have a degree but it seems that everyone is wanting someone with a masters or years of experience and I have neither. I’m going on my fifth year on my job and I can’t see myself going any further unless something changes.

Howbeit, there’s a reason for everything. As much as I want to leave I have to press through until God says so.

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